You are an Orthodox Christian if you conquer the temples of infidel Papists and refuse to return their churches to Armenian torturers – better their churches should perish than be returned.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you viciously beat homosexuals. But you are three times more devout an Orthodox Christian if you herd them all onto a large ship, take them out into the open sea and dump them all overboard. And that is an act of exceptional moral rectitude if you yourself are a latent homosexual.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you return home after an all-night feast, clad in your Chokha and reeking of booze and machismo, and command your wife: “Hey, woman! Come here and do what Catholicos-Patriarch has instructed: Wash my feet and sacrifice yourself to me and to my demands.”
You are an Orthodox Christian if you gentrify the caves of Davit Gareji and Vardzia with concrete and air conditioning and lead an army of black shields to invade un-demarcated borders and wage a fierce war there.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you proclaim each and every non-Orthodox Christian an enemy of the Church and a traitor of the homeland and terrorize them in the name of God.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you utilize new methodologies to research the national gene to prove that the white blood of the Iberian race flows proudly through your veins.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you connect with your flashy black jeep in such an organic way that it is difficult to distinguish your black jeep from a priest in black robe and black sunglasses.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you never read the Gospel, or allow others to read it, but enshrine it in sterling silver and solid gold to wield as a heavy weapon and, if needed, to bang over the head of an enemy or traitor.
You are also an Orthodox Christian if you also master the art of brandishing the cross, icon and thurible with the same ferocity as Khridoli or any other martial art.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you congratulate fellow believer Putin with election to the presidency and fellow believer Medvedev with appointment as prime minister and then congratulate Medvedev with the presidency and Putin with the prime ministry and again congratulate Putin with the presidency and Medvedev with prime ministry – now and forever and to the ages of ages.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you adorn your holy wrist, along with the rosary, with an extremely expensive Swiss watch that miraculously disappears and leaves only its outline on a shining surface like a footprint on the sand of time.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you disregard the Oshki and Ishkhani monasteries, abandoning them to destruction on foreign soil, and do not allow construction of even a single mosque on the land of glorious Iberia.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you pray hard and loud and, if need be, stage a protest liturgy.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you are better acquainted with the devil than with God and instill the fear of God by dangling the mighty sword of fear of the devil.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you revel in wealth and luxury to the extent you crucify yourself for your homeland and the homeland crucifies itself for you.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you defend the Catholicos-Patriarch by unleashing a barrage of profanity on the forum.ge social network and a really good Orthodox Christian if you redirect that torrent to chastise liberals on Facebook.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you organize a gala charity concert in Paris, fly three hundred guests there, house them at the prestigious Intercontinental hotel – and make those sacrifices with the altruistic aim of assisting socially vulnerable multiple-child families.
You are an Orthodox Christian if you sow hatred for hatred and hatred again for love and if you take no heed of that vagrant of Nazareth. Are not His madman rants that pass for teachings senseless to you? Who was He, indeed? He knew nothing of life, had His head in the clouds. And up there He flew, to wherever His place was. End of story; He no longer exists.
You are an Orthodox Christian if your pure heart is brimming with pure hatred for followers of that madman Jesus Christ and your life is fed with loathing toward those who taught us genuine pharisaic Iberian Orthodox Christians to love our enemies, to turn the other cheek, to pray for sinners and things like that.
“Electronic cards, identity cards must not be taken at all. They contain the name of the beast – 666… Justice Houses have been established in Georgia. These are the places where the Antichrist will be served and every ground will be prepared for Antichrist in the society.”
Metropolitan Job Akiashvili, Metropolitan of Urbnisi and Ruisi. 2011.
“If Turkey, for any reason, finds the fulfillment of this condition unacceptable, we will deem the construction of the Aziziye Mosque – a symbol of a difficult period in our history – in Batumi on the premise of saving Oshki and Ishkhani absolutely unacceptable.”
Special statement of the Georgian Patriarchate regarding negotiations between the states of Georgia and Turkey. 9 February 2012. (Two weeks earlier, on 26 January 2012, the ministers of culture of the two countries had agreed in Ankara that, in return for the rehabilitation of the Oshki and Ishkhani monasteries, Georgia would allow the Aziziye Mosque to be built in Batumi and the Ahmadiyya Mosque to be restored in Akhaltsikhe.)
“This emotional disturbance will ebb when the issue is decided in a way it needs to be decided and justice requires. When that demarcation line will be drawn to bring within the territory of Georgia our monuments…. until then this perturbation will not calm down. We intend to continue active actions because there is no time to wait. If the line is drawn there and agreement reached then we will need a war to regain it.”
Father Ilarion from Davit Gareji monastery speaking on Channel 9 TV about events unfolding at the monastery. 16 May 2012.
“Do you want our country to fall like Japan? Do you want the God to send us sulphur rain? It will happen. God will allow that.”
Priest Davit Kvlividze speaking to participants at the demonstration against homophobia. 17 May 2012.
“The Catholic Church, before losing the congregation, had lost the God. When you lose God you also lose people… They not only lost the congregation but so much corrupted the understanding of their congregation about their religion – I mean Catholicism – that the majority of them adopt Islam.”
Priest Archil Kituashvili talking about the Catholic Church in the studio of media union Obiektivi. 2011.
“We never call on anyone for violence… However, a segment of the society, including the Union of Orthodox Christian Parents, believes that the manifestation of their disease by these people is unacceptable. They are not only in deadly sin, but that is a disease. They are protected by the law, no one breaks into their houses, but they do not need to conduct gay parades. That irritates a segment of the society and we have no leverage to stop that process. They must understand that they should not go out into the street with banners.”
Father Mikael Botkoveli speaking to the media about the 17 May demonstration against homophobia. 17 May 2012.
“We have been patient for quite a long time now and tolerate many things… No matter how much wise people get together, they will not be wiser than the devil…. They fight in vain and hit us with forbidden methods in vain. We tolerate these attacks, but one day we will teach them a lesson… We religious servants are human beings as well and can fight in all sorts of ways…. If these minorities – where they come from, I do not know – social groups defend themselves, should we not be able to defend ourselves? What force can stop us?…All sorts of extremism is against us… We are not afraid of anything.”
Bishop Iakob of Gardabani and Martkopi speaking during his sermon at the Holy Trinity Cathedral about recent Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender (LGBT) and feminist actions and the Davit Gareji issue. 20 May 2012.
“They are ill and at the same time commit deadly sins. We are a traditional Orthodox Christian country which finds such things absolutely unacceptable. The government must take into account the will of the Georgian population… We must have levers to ensure that a small group of ill people whom people hate and loath do not irritate other people.”
Father Mikael Botkoveli commenting on the march against homophobia. 17 May 2012.
“Let Georgians not state that they are gays. That is a topic that was imported from a foreign country, imposed from the outside in order to divert attention away from the historical topic of Gareji… Arrange a small garden for gays and give it to them… They came here for provocations…. We do not call for attacking them or something like that, but everything has its limits.”
Father Elizbar of Kashveti Church expressing his opinion about LGBT rights defenders gathered on Rustaveli Avenue. 18 May 2012.
“In 2013, that is a scientific explanation… big explosions will occur on the Sun, magnetic field will encompass the entire mankind. With the magnetic field extending over mankind, all electronic communications will be lost. At that time, the magnetic field will adversely affect the brains of people and half of mankind will go mad…. and we will see lots of crazy people… President, Prime Minister, King, Queen may become such.”
Metropolitan Job Akiashvili of Metropolitan of Urbnisi and Ruisi speaking during his sermon about forthcoming calamities. 2011.
“They challenge our belief and… nationality too… Since the Seventh Century to date, Armenia… a villain nation has always fought and tried to distort the belief in our country… If anyone today is an isle of Orthodox Christianity in the world, Georgia is one of them. That is what they fight against… Agreement between the Church and the government will not be reached until people of the same religion come to power.”
Priest Petre Kvaratskhelia speaking in the studio of media union Obiektivi about the law allowing religious organizations to register as legal entities of public law. 13 July 2011.